Bipolar Vision: How I cope...

Bipolarity, bipolar disorder, bipolarism: whatever you call it, I've got it. I started a mental health (mental awareness ? ) blog to help deal with it.  I'm forcing myself to write out my thoughts and organize them.  Stopping to think about it has helped me understand it and cope with it. It has caused me to do something about it!

There is still a strong fear of failure, so I have severed many ties with friends and business.  This is a common trait of bipolar disorder: isolation. It is common with people who suffer from depression as well. Major depression forces people into isolation. It is the physical body changing the mind without consent. People who suffer mental illness do not want to suffer, but they are given no choice. Literally, one could say it's Mind Rape.

About two weeks ago, I started helping a friend with his business.  He gave me a key to the store, and I opened everyday the first week.  I filled the management position, since he is pressed for time in other endeavors.  After that first week, I lost my energy and motivation.  The mind rape started. The customer interactions required the energy that I lost.  Without the ability to face customers, I remained inside my dark apartment.

"I can't go out."  I told my girlfriend. "I'm a failure." It was a conversation I didn't want to have, but I had to give her something, to let her know why I wasn't going to work anymore. Saying those words hurt on a deeper level of failure. It was a lie! I wasn't a failure, not by my own choice. I didn't choose this! Yet there was too much anxiety to leave the house. How do I tell my friend I can't help him anymore? More anxiety struck with this thought.

"I fail at being normal. I fail at being a friend. I can't go out!" I wanted to cry, but there were no tears left in my soul, only empty space that sometimes fills itself with shadows of a person.

In a "book" I started writing, I found a temporary peace in failure. It began with something like, "This is the last thing I write before I commit suicide.  It's my story.  Of who I am, and what I think, and what we are." I had resolved to kill myself at the conclusion of the book. There was motivation once again, since now there was a secret to keep: my planned suicide. Hospitalization must be avoided at all costs to avoid disruption in writing the book and completing the plan. This resolution granted peace and clarity for a brief period of time so that I could write, think, create. This creative demise was short-lived, however. I've since lost motivation and interest. Thus, it is probably something I'll never complete, so I will never be able to honor that promise to kill myself upon its completion: Another failure.

This is how I cope today. Sorrow and pity. They attach themselves to the spirit inside and drag me inexorably forward.

"Why do you choose to believe that?" An observer might ask.

How do I stop it?!  I take drugs.  I force myself to do something.  It isn't entirely in my control, just like being born white or black or red is not anyone else's control.  Times like now, I just go lie down.  Force myself asleep, until my dreams torture me too.

The blade inside my head has returned....

All or Nothing

Everything is all or nothing.  We are in or we are out.  My college transcript is all As/Bs (save for one or two Cs) or all Fs.  Simply put, if I could not get a "perfect" semester, then anxiety attacks snatched me from the world.  A failed exam meant no returning from a C or D, and since a D receives no college credit, why bother?  A bad transcript means a bad job--or that's all I understood at the time.  (I now know that most jobs are bad.)  There is no incentive to continue at this point.  Worse than that: there is no consumer protection for students, no refund, no protection in place (one of many problems with U.S. higher education).  So now the student is stuck with a wasted semester with no refund and a future of mediocrity.

Chemistry

4/19/2012

Chemistry is the physical network of matter. It describes the world as it changes through time. These changes are how things change: from sunlight to grass to milk to cheese. The energy of fusion from the Sun powers the metabolism of plants, which produces the green leaves for free-range cows (as factory farmed cattle [see rumens] are force fed grains). The digestive track of cows produce muscle and fat that, when grilled, is delicious, and sows produce milk that we enjoy.

Updates Coming Soon...

History of Chemistry

The absolute history began with time. Our history began with modern consciousness.

Modern Chemistry


Modern chemistry began with the scientific method... some time after alchemy...


Chemistry for the Consumer


What do you use everyday?

Soap
Shampoo
Water
Papers
Plastics
Metals
Fossil Fuels

Piracy

Content was removed due to claims of copyright infringement.  We apologize for any inconvenience.

Information that was intended to educate and protect the consumer was removed in order to protect copyright holders.

One such document that was removed included a cure for cancer, energy independence, and solutions to world hunger, poverty, and homelessness.

Piracy once happened only on the high sea. There is a rich history of ruthless men and a few special ladies who conspired against nations and merchantmen. They stand as examples of an early form of egalitarianism, such as equal voting rights on ship-wide matters. Now the act of piracy has spread to the protection of intellectual property: literature, patents, music, software.

Of course, the victim of any theft will describe a thief to be fitting of everyone's condemnation. It is only natural that a victim to react with contempt. They lost some thing that they value, and in the case of cash, it is likely not to be returned. Property presents some possibility of recovering by police or private investigators. It has a unique physical identity, such as a car. Your car has a particular color, model, year, mileage, smell, etc. It has its own serial number. But modern piracy is a very different situation.

Pirate Car Example

If someone managed to copy your car, then they are intellectual property bandits. Moreover, if you help them by providing your car for close examination, then you aid the bandits in their crime(s). Bandits are now driving around in their pirated automobile. They have effectively stolen from the car maker. They own their own copy of a car through their own equipment and efforts. This was accomplished, however, without paying royalties to the manufacturer. The design was an unlawful copy.

Literature Example


Some no-name author, Shakespeare, has written a tome of novels. Now, he is a very clever writer but much better at marketing. He holds onto his tome before signing it over to a publisher, until the right offer is made. The right offer gives him control over every copy of his book. A reader cannot copy his book, or modify it in any way. If the reader violates the reader agreement, then they violate federal law, laws that are set aside for such matters as military, money, and foreign affairs. The crime is now one of federal proportion, and when a woman in her house outside of town copies a few pages of her favorite sonnet for her daughter that lives next door, she is subject to federal prosecution. Her copyright violation now requires time from a federal judge, prosecutor, bailiff, secretary, etc.

Now, two hundred years later, the words of Shakespeare have affected the world in many ways. As a boy, I remember reading the Tempest--of course not the original version, but a truncated form. The creativity that ensues from reading and acting the written word of Shakespeare is powerful for many people. It trickles down through acting, art, and popular culture. A great book systemically affects society if it stirs our emotions and beliefs. Words are shared and copied, and plagiarized words reveal frauds.

Creation is an event that is personal and private. An individual or group commit to some project and successful complete their goals. Creators now have produced some useful or intelligent thing. When they proceed to exploit their concept through commercialization, they are committing their conception to the world. They want the world to recognize its worth in the form of money. There is more than one issue at hand. First is the matter of ownership--the creators. Second is the matter of labor--the creation. Third is the intention of the creators--money or self-improvement or entertainment.

I recognize the arguments regarding creating new products. Many argue that creating a product for profit alone is much less noble than creating for the purpose of improving one's life. This argument is an ad hominem, and thus an irrelevant argument. These are moral tangents to the topic at hand, which is the matter of maintaining creative rights to an idea after its exploitation and proliferation.

The original idea in this example was a tome of literature. If an author is willing to have a million copies of his book sold, does s/he have to right to prevent a single private copy to be made? He wrote the book, for whatever reason. Then he sought publication, and as its popularity grew, millions of copies were sold. Thousands of illegal copies were made. Dozens of people were arrested and sentenced for federal crimes.

Plagiarism was never a concern in these federal matters, but only copying and selling additional copies--sometimes not even selling them! Now the lawyers belonged to the publishing company, and legal fees exceeded the gross pay to the author. Due to the swiftness of federal agents, thousands of copies were never read. Readers who were unwilling to pay for a copy will not have the opportunity to share the author's insight or understanding; will never have fresh ideas or perspectives about their world; will never have the opportunity to exercise their mind with another book.

Mental Copy Example


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Questions of interest

This list will always be growing.  The response to each question will also grow, perhaps into its own entry

How does one live with bipolarity?

Why does the mind torture itself?  Why should we care?

What are the benefits of bipolarity?  Depression?  Schizophrenia?  Autism?

Why do "normal" people overlook looming disaster?  Why do they ignore or neglect global problems?  Why is the U.N. helpless in fixing global hunger?

Is global hunger a good thing?  Is genocide a good thing?

Where does consciousness come from?  Material or immaterial?  How does one define either one of those terms?

Are social classes a good thing?  Is discrimination necessary?  Is discrimination good?  For who?

Which is more effective: Civil disobedience or violent protests?  Are protests pointless?  Does anyone really listen to protesters?

How does the media affect civics?  How do "dumbed-down" programs affect civics?

How many PhDs does it take to save the world?  More than 1,000,000,000.

Why are PhD holders often worthless to the rest of the world?

Why do so many people hate corporations?  Government?  Other cultures?

Another day, another profession

I've thought about becoming many things in my life.  The one thing I've never been is one thing.  Everyday is a race against a clock that is counting down to catastrophe.  If I work hard enough, then there is a chance to stop the disaster.  The only thing is, catastrophe promises to come in every form.

Deadly viruses, economic collapse, nuclear war, peace, asteroids!

So, in order to save the world, I must study biochemistry, economics (pseudoscience!), mathematics, military tactics, diplomacy, astrophysics.

I don't think this way regularly, but when I do, there is a sincere obligation to meet these goals.  "That's impossible," many reply.  However, at times, this belief is not only possible but inevitable.  It is my only destiny, because I have yet to meet any other human with the same conscience for their species, their planet, their World.